


Yeah, I Think About the End Just Way Too Much

by planetarypoe



Series: Forget Sanity, My Morality [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Death, Fluff, Heaven, M/M, Panic Attacks, in the process of rewriting, spacing fixed, they talk about heaven but it's not religious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 16:13:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5546840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planetarypoe/pseuds/planetarypoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Heaven," Finn repeated.</p><p>
"Heaven," Poe agreed, stroking Finn's hair. "Did they not teach you about it in Trooper School?"<br/>
</p>
<p>
"No," Finn said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yeah, I Think About the End Just Way Too Much

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first finished fic after about three years hiatus. I'm planning to rewrite it as soon as the other three works are added (the next ones are much better written). Title from the Twenty One Pilots song Ride.

Poe shifts, turns and opens his eyes.

"You're awake," he murmurs, reaching up to brush a finger across Finn's clenched jaw. Finn nods. The thoughts clamoured inside his stomach and head and throat, have been doing for hours now, but he can’t put words to them, apart from, "Don't go.” 

Poe sighs and moves his hand to rest on Finn's hip, grounding him. 

"I wish I didn't have to. I just - " 

"Resistance first, I know." 

"No," Poe says earnestly, shaking his head. "Not anymore. Not since I met you." 

Finn can’t look at him. He’s not worth that kind of change in outlook. Poe iss lying, trying to make him feel better. 

"No, sweetheart, look at me," says Poe. But he didn't force it, didn't reach out to turn his head or move to meet his eye. So Finn looks back at him, and sees Poe looking at him in the way that means he’s really, truly serious. 

"You are my universe, baby. I'd do anything for you, anything to make you happy, anything that can make us happy. And right now that means leaving you. If we can get rid of the First Order, we're free. We can travel the galaxy together. I'll show you everything. The sand layers of Marthon, and the crystal mountains on Taral, and, and we'll drink pangos and dance until morning on Forn." 

Poe's hand traces its way up Finn's side, making him shiver as it cups his cheek. 

"But, love, before we can live like that, we have to be safe. That means getting rid of the First Order. And that means I have to leave and fight. And I hate it, every time, it's like my heart's being torn out. Flying used to be like that for me, but now it's a chore. I hate killing, even the bad guys. But I'd do anything for you. And hey, I'll come back soon!" 

Poe smiles, not his disarming grin or sly smirk, but the one he used when he was desperately sad and trying not to show it. Finn's breath catches and he moves forward, catching Poe's lips before pulling him in to his chest, trying to be as close to him as possible, hands scrabbling on his back. 

"But what if you don't?" Finn gasps behind Poe's ear, finally baring his greatest fear, and revealing to Poe that he didn't really trust him, and now he’d hate him, and everything they'd created, everything Poe had just said, his whole life would unravel and it was his fault and - 

Poe's face fills Finn's vision, his sincere eyes burrowing deep into him. 

"Breathe, darling, it's all right, it's all right, just breathe for me, I love you, it's all right, just breathe, just breathe, you're all right, I love you, it's all right." 

Finn's gasps of breath slow and calm a little, but the tears keep flowing and he renews his grip on Poe's body. 

"I know, I know, you're the best pilot in the Republic, and you'll be fine, but what if you're not?" 

Poe kisses him. His hand curls around Finn's head and steadies him, his thumb strokes his cheek, a soothing rhythm. It stays there while he speaks. 

"I promise to you that I will come back. I will come back to you. No bastard's gonna take me down while I've got you to live for. 

"And even if I didn't come back. We'd see each other again. In a long time, sure, but it wouldn't be the end for us." 

Finn frowns. 

"What are you talking about?" 

"Heaven," Poe cocks his head, "the place in the sky. Everyone who dies goes there - everyone good, anyway - and there's free drinks all around and so much sky you couldn't see it all in an aeon, and you live there forever with everyone you love." 

"Heaven," Finn repeats. 

"Heaven," Poe agrees, stroking Finn's hair. "Did they not teach you about it in Trooper School?" 

"No," Finn says. "No, I always thought when you're dead you... you die. And it's just like, black, for ever. And you don't feel anything, and you don't see anything." 

He was staring at the ceiling, but Finn looks down in time to see a tired smile replace the expression of heartbreak on Poe's face. 

"But that's not true, right?" he says. 

"Well, I've never been there, so I don't know for sure, angel," says Poe. "But that's what I think happens, because what's the point of this if we don't get something afterwards? Why would we get to live and love if it meant nothing after a few decades?" 

"I guess," Finn nods. "That sounds nice." 

"Yeah, it does," says Poe. 

They’re quiet for a few moments, long enough to hear their hearts settle into a rhythm with each other. 

Finn breaks the silence. "But, Poe, if heaven is in the sky, how come you've never been there?" 

Poe is taken aback for a second. 

"I might be the best pilot in the Republic, but I haven't seen every bit of sky, cutie." 

"But it's out there somewhere? Definitely?" Finn seems desperate now, wanting to latch onto any kind of hope. Poe almost regrets telling him this, if only because he doesn't have all the answers, which Finn deserves to have. 

"Yeah, it is, love," Poe reassures him. 

Finn relaxes visibly. "Okay.” 

Poe is amazed at the trust Finn has in him, Finn, who has so much right to be cold and cynical and hateful, but is instead the warmest and most trusting and most wonderful person Poe has ever met. Poe is so lucky to have Finn he sometimes has to touch him to make sure that he's real, he can't believe, even after six months, that he gets to wake up next to this jewel of a being. 

They move closer together again, tucked in each other's arms. 

"I was scared," Finn whispers. "Scared that you'd leave and they'd come back and say you were hit and I'd never see you again." 

He sketches letters into Poe's skin, nonsense words, before burrowing his face into his shoulder. "I don't have to worry, though." 

"Not like you had to, really, it's about time you had a little faith." 

The smile in Poe's voice is plenty to let Finn know he's joking, and he smiles. 

"Tell me more about heaven," he says. 

Somehow, Poe isn't tired when he settles in the familiar fighter the next day, and Finn is happy to watch him go, knowing that they'll be together again, no matter what.


End file.
